select people have been made aware of the fact that i tend to, through absolutely no fault of my own, get asked to vacate the premises. of anywhere. immediately.
and i do want to make sure that you know: THIS IS THROUGH NO FAULT OF MY OWN.
the most notable fact about me, i think, is the fact that i am no longer welcome in our local post office. in order to understand my plight, i must take you on a strange journey...
no, not that journey.
not that one either. honestly, will you try to keep up?
okay. picture it: los angeles, a few years ago. once a month or so, i'd get a letter or a postcard that appeared to have been eaten by some postal machine. "not their fault", i would think. "could happen to anyone." the incidences started increasing in frequency. once a week. and then. AND THEN.
one day, my package looked like this.
i was peeved. not only did they ruin my friend erin's wedding invitation, they ruined my package as well. *pause to snicker for the word "package"*
i decided to go in, as i needed to mail the rsvp for the wedding and had no stamps. i also took the package with me, for proof.
the visit didn't start off well. for one thing, every employee in the local post office looks like an extra from the movie "men in black."
and for another? i was the only person in line, and each postal worker was gabbing away at the counter with the customer that had come in before me.
"not a huge deal," thought i. "i'll wait it out."
5 minutes later, i was mildly annoyed.
15 minutes later, i was angry.
by a half an hour later, with me just STANDING THERE, i looked like this:
finally, i heard No Neck Postal worker utter the magical phrase: "okay, then. see you later!"
seeing my opportunity, i ran up to the counter.
No Neck looked at me, and so did the customer.
"excuse me, miss? you're being rude and interrupting this customer."
i felt my face flush. "i'm sorry!" i explained. "i thought i heard you wrap up your transaction." i began walking away.
"well, i didn't wrap up my transaction. you can't just come charging up here because you're in a hurry."
i tried to hold my tongue.
"i'm very sorry. i must have misheard you. i'll go back to the line." i continued my walk of shame, not wanting to meet the eyes of the two other customers who had, of course, walked in to witness this.
"miss, you CANNOT just WALK UP to the COUNTER without BEING CALLED." he snidley called out.
i turned around.
"i KNOW that." i mimicked. "i ALREADY APOLOGIZED. twice. it was an honest mistake, i'm hard of hearing and i simply misheard you! i've walked back to the line! i don't know what more you want me to do! shall i wait for you to bend over so i can properly kiss your rear some more?"
the whole office went silent. No Neck looked at me and snarled, "since you're in SUCH a HURRY, what can i DO for you?"
at this point, i had had it. i was near frustrated tears. "you can get me your manager."
he snickered, as did the lady next to him. who just happened to be wearing a manager's name tag.
i exploded: "I'M REALLY GLAD YOU ALL THINK THIS IS SO FUNNY. I'VE BEEN WAITING IN THAT GOD DAMN LINE FOR OVER A HALF AN HOUR TO BUY SOME STUPID STAMPS. I MISHEARD ONE THING, AND YOU DECIDED TO SHAME ME FOR IT. I'M SOOOOO SORRY I'M DEAF IN ONE EAR. I'M SOOOOO SORRY THAT MY WAITING IN LINE PATIENTLY FOR A FRICKING ETERNITY HAS INTERRUPTED YOUR CONVERSATION!"
his jaw dropped.
i felt a tap on my shoulder, and i whirled around: "WHAT?!?!?!"
and there i was, face to face, with sheriff lopez.
"ma'am, if you don't calm down, we're going to have to ask you to leave."
i was steaming. i had been treated like a second rate citizen, and i was getting punished for it.
i continued spewing verbal hatred, which was beginning to sound alarmingly christian bale-esque: "OH GOOD, TAKE HIS SIDE!" i shrieked. "LOOK WHAT THEY DO TO MY PACKAGES! LOOK WHAT THEY DO TO MY ENVELOPES! LOOK AT WHAT THEY DEEM ACCEPTABLE IN THE FIELD OF MAIL CARRYING!"
i then proceeded to throw the envelope as well as the package across the counter, toward the worker.
"WHY IN THE BLUE BLOODY FUCK DOES IT LOOK LIKE A HOBO HAS BEEN SLEEPING, PISSING, AND COOKING METH ON MY PACKAGES?????!!"
sheriff lopez stepped in. "miss, at this point, you've assaulted a postal employee. we're going to have to ask you to leave and not return to this location.
"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, COPPER!" i yelled as i shook my fist and exited the post office.
"excuse me, ma'am?" i heard.
"NOW WHAT?!" i growled.
"...do you want to buy some girl scout cookies?" she bit her quivering lip.
"oh, honey," i said. "i'll take ten boxes."