The Name Change

 After getting married, one of the things the woman is expected to do (by SOCIETY!) is change her name.  Growing up, I had a...let's call it 'unique' last name, and I couldn't wait to be rid of it.  Except when it actually came time for me to make that decision (while filling out the marriage license forms a month before the ceremony), I was having a hard time shedding my former identity.

A 'unique' name is a sort of badge of honor.  You've made it through years of teasing from peers as well as well intentioned, but very, very dorky adults, who find themselves to be clever!  Witty!  The first person to ever think of that lamesauce joke!

Taking all that into consideration, combined with the fact that I am a feminist of sorts, I decided to hyphenate.  So instead of being Ms. Sexypants, I am now Mrs. Sexypants-Longsufferingman.  In theory.  Because who is a slacker who kept putting off the old name change?

Yeah.  That would be me.  I had the best of intentions, I really did.  But we got married right before the holidays hit.  And then, we did our taxes, and I didn't want to rock the boat by changing my name mid tax process.  Then I stubbed my toe and went for ice cream.  You get the idea.

So this morning, armed with my marriage certificate, my old SS card, my application for a new SS card, a book, my smartphone, and my smart mouth, I went to rock out at the Social Security office.  I got there half an hour before it opened, and smugly celebrated my spot as 54th person in line.  I am not even kidding. 

As we all shuffled in, an armed guard shouted that we ALL HAD TO CHECK IN AT THE COMPUTER!  AND GET IN LINE!  AND STAY IN LINE!  NO EXCUSES!  Checking in at the computer was an involved process, as you had to first press the button for english, then press a corresponding button that more or less summed up what you needed.

Then you're to SIT DOWN AND TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE, DUMMY!  in a dimly lit seating area, where nice people sit way too close and cough all over you.  A little old lady will complain that people are using their phones.  The gentleman behind you falls asleep,  and it soon becomes apparent that he has some pretty gnarly sleep apnea.  You start to meditate to the sound of his breathing:  iiiiiiiin,   oooouuuuuuttttt.  Iiiiiiiiiiiiin, and ooooooooouuuuuuttttt.   IIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.....your eyes pop open.  Why isn't he breathing out yet?  What is even happening?  Do humans have that lung capacity?  Then, 'PPPPPPPPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"  he screams in your right ear, effectively breathing out. 

                                                    An exact replica of how startled I was.


The little old lady next to you has her number called.  She doesn't budge.  They call her again.  She asks you what her number is.  It takes four people shouting loudly before she'll go to her window.  Her husband blames the damn navy.  Hear, hear!

                                                            OR ARE THEY???????

On the TV screen in front of you is George Takei, acting out this scene with Patty Duke (while both are dressed in Star Trek Fleet uniforms and standing on the bridge of the Enterprise, like y'do):

Patty Duke:  George Takei, have you ever navigated an asteroid belt?
George Takei:  Why yes, Patty Duke.  I HAVE navigated an asteroid belt!
Patty Duke:  Why, George Takei, did you KNOW that NAVIGATING the SOCIAL security WEBSITE is MUCH simpler THAN navigating AN asteroid BELT????!!!!
George Takei:  OH, MYYYYYY!

*Awkward senior citizen thumbs up at the screen*

                                               I can't make this up.

"GLAAAAWHHHHHHHHHHHHSSNNNNNNNNNXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX,"  combusts Darth Apnea behind you, only this time in your left ear (to keep you on your toes.)

They call the number after yours.  You contemplate getting up to complain, but the armed guard shakes his head at you and pats his gun when you start to stand up.  You focus back on the screen, where a clownfish is swimming around with a social security card...and IT DOES NOT BELONG TO HIM!  ALWAYS KEEP YOUR CARD WITH YOU, OR AN EVIL CLOWNFISH WILL STEAL IT AND MAKE MANY AMAZON PURCHASES!

                                                        "50 Shades of Grey, anyone?"

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" screeches Sir Apnea of C-PAP behind you.

I finally get to go to the window.  I hand over all my documents and my ID, and stand silently for 15 minutes while Johnny Typesitall tippety taps away.  They hand you a piece of paper explaining that you'll be receiving your new card in the mail in around two weeks.

EXCEPT IF A CLOWNFISH OR GEORGE TAKEI AND PATTY DUKE GET A HOLD OF IT FIRST, AND BOLDY GO TO MEXICO! 

 

It's just, what does a fish even need a car for?  Thanks for ruining my credit, jackass.

                                                                       Oh, my!

Sigh.

There's always a fallout, isn't there?

Let's back up.

I had an amazing Saturday.  I took the blue line into downtown Los Angeles with my mom and my aunt, and we only got lost once (although it was in Compton.)  We held our signs high and proud, took pictures with other protesters.  The atmosphere was positive, and there was a sense of solidarity.  Everyone was respectful of one another.  We marched around Pershing Square with a police escort, twice, and came back to listen to some amazing people (Sarah Silverman, Zack Galifianakis, feminist poets, etc.) do their thing onstage.  We dined at the Steel City Food Truck (Pierogis FTW!)

I expected that my sign would get some attention.  I didn't expect that an extremely unflattering picture of me holding the sign would then become blog fodder for conservatives, where the comments ranged from "Feminists are ugly" to "Stoopid Wimmin."

Serious sentiments.

I didn't expect to become "The Sandwich Creature."
I didn't expect for people to directly attack me.  I'm sure that awfulness will be on quickmeme before too long.

And I'll admit, it hurt.  And I cried.  I called my mom, I called my best friend, I called my husband.

Ultimately, it was a choice I made.  I stood up for something I believed in.  I carried a sign to show my support.  I marched.  And by putting myself out there publicly, I got some backlash.

Life goes on.  Yes, I considered never doing anything like that again.  But how chickenshit is that?  If you believe in something, stand up for it!

Trolls are evil.  One shouldn't feed them.  And in a week, I hope they have some new material.

Because fat girl sandwich jokes are a dime a dozen.  In fact, I think I could have written them better myself.

I am still so, so proud to have marched in a protest that I believe in alongside my wonderful aunt and mom.  That is an experience I wouldn't trade for the world.

Well Done, Sister Suffragette!

 This is a post I've been struggling with.  I've read hundreds of articles, I've signed on to march for women's rights (more on that later,) and in my kitchen you will find posterboard, markers, and wood to make protest signs.  I'm all in as far as the cause is concerned, but I don't want this to come across as partisan.  Because I believe the problem does not exist in the GOP alone.  People from both parties are pointing fingers at one another in an attempt to prove who, exactly, is waging this War on Women.  Do I believe this war exists?  Yes, absolutely.  So who's fault is it, then?  It's everyone's fault.  Republican, Democrat, men, women themselves even.

Women are not an interest group.  We are not to be pitted against each other in a pathetic power struggle.  We are not pawns in a political game.  We are, however, 52 percent of the population, and we are the gender that votes the most often and with the most consistency.  Just a little something to remember, come November.

The following is MY PERSONAL OPINION.  You may not agree, but this is where I, Sarah, stand, and it is perfectly within your right to agree or disagree.

1.  I don't think it's anyone's business what goes on below the belt.  I love that women have access to clean, safe, healthcare.  But that's starting to get taken away from us, little by little.  Not many women today are aware of what women did to terminate pregnancies on their own before they had access to that clean, safe healthcare.  I don't think anyone besides the woman, alongside her partner, her doctor, and when/where applicable, her God should make reproductive decisions on her behalf.  I have many friends of varying religions, and frankly, I don't WANT to know their status with birth control, or whether or not they would choose abortion.  You believe in having as many kids as God wants you to have?  Terrific!  You want none at all?  Cool beans!  You fall somewhere in the middle and rely on birth control to help you plan your family?  Kudos!  It's none of my business, and it's certainly not that of the government. I hope everyone feels they have the right to exercise these options soon.

2.  Women shouldn't still only make (on average) 77 cents on the dollar of what a man makes doing the same work.  Equal pay for equal work.  That's not really a difficult concept.

3.  We shouldn't be pitted against each other.  Deciding who works harder, a stay at home mom of 5 or a working mother, is one of the most idiotic things I have ever heard.  In my opinion, this was clearly an attempt to pit women against each other and this is never acceptable.  Women are great.  We all work hard, no matter what the circumstance.  And the men who stand beside them are pretty great, also.

4.  31 senators voted AGAINST the Violence Against Women Act.  31!  Why does this even need to be debated?  Do you not have wives, sisters, daughters, mothers, an aunt?  Do you not want them protected?  I can't even begin to wrap my head around this.

This is why I, Sarah, am marching.  I believe in these things.  I believe in equality for all human beings.  I don't like feeling like my rights are allowed to be stripped away simply because I possess a uterus.  It does not make me inferior, or incapable of making my own decisions.  And I will fight anyone who stands in the way of my rights, even if I have to hitchhike all the way to DC.  

Tomorrow, thousands of people will be marching against the War on Women.  I hope some of you will consider finding a march in your area, too. If you're unfamiliar with this march, read more in the press release below:

Los Angeles, CA (PRWEB) April 19, 2012

On Saturday, April 28, 2012, in 54 cities and Capitols across America, a new and growing movement will march and rally to Unite Against the War on Women. Los Angeles will host its Rally from 10:00 a.m to 3:30 p.m. at Pershing Square in Downtown Los Angeles (located at 5th and Olive Streets). The Rally program will include speakers, entertainment and a march in the streets surrounding Pershing Square.
Speakers presently scheduled include: Jerry Tetalman, Democratic Congressional candidate running against Darrell Issa, Jan Perry, Los Angeles City Councilperson and candidate for Mayor, Sarah Silverman, comedian and actress, Caroline Heldman, Professor from Occidental College, Dinah Stephens of Planned Parenthood, Blase Bonpane, Director of the Office of the Americas and human rights activist, Sophia Rossi and Molly McAleer, founders of Hellogiggles website, DuVergne Gaines of the Feminist Majority Foundation, Zoe Nicholson, founder of Pacific Shores OC Now Chapter, and MC and comedian, J.C. Coccoli.
The organizers are calling on Americans to join together and denounce what they call the “ongoing legislative and political attacks on women from the extreme right, while honoring the diversity and continued fight for the freedom of women to choose their own destinies.” March and Rally organizers cite legislative proposals, government regulations, and political rhetoric, as evidence that “war” is being waged against women and “our bodies, rights and freedom.” Unitewomen.org cites as an example legislation recently introduced in Arizona which would make the use of birth control without employer permission an offense for which a worker could be terminated. While birth control expenses are covered in 28 states by law by health insurance plans, Viagra is covered in all 50. Rape victims must undergo vaginal probing before seeking an abortion in TX and PA and last year, Topeka, Kansas decriminalized domestic violence. Currently over 400 similar bills are being considered federally and within states including the current debate on the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act (S. 1925) in the U.S. Senate.
Sherry Lear and Nanette Harrison, co-chairs of the Los Angeles rally state: “We are really excited about this event. We have an impressive list of speakers along with a number of surprises planned for our guests. The event will be tabled by several different organizations who will provide literature, along with voter registration and information on how to get involved in women’s issues.”
Unite Women is a non-partisan organization of women and men who have joined together to push back, stand up, and declare: “Enough is Enough.” The April 28th actions have been endorsed nationally by the National Organization for Women (NOW), 9to5: National Association of Working Women, Catholics for Choice, Religious Coaltion for Reproductive Choice, Code Pink Women for Peace, Feminist Peace Network, National League of Latin American Citizens (NLLAC, and its California Affiliate, CALLAC), Coalition of Labor Union Women (CLUW), Ihollaback, Center for Inquirty and Coffee Party USA. The Los Angeles event is supported locally by Planned Parenthood, the California Nurses Association, Slutwalk LA, EQCA, several local NOW Chapters and the Los Angeles Gay & Lesbian Center.
People who would like to volunteer to assist with organizing the Los Angeles event and its logistics, or organizations (and individuals) who want to endorse the rally may contact the Rally Co-Chairs, Nanette Harrison at (323) 376-9871 or nbarrutiaharrison(at)yahoo(dot)com, or Sherry Lear at (310) 303-7950 or learlaw(at)earthlink(dot)net. The Facebook Organizing Page for California (both Los Angeles and Sacramento Events) is https://www.facebook.com/groups/CAWOW/.
Follow Unite Against the War on Women at:
    Website:         http://www.UniteWomen.org
    Twitter:        http://www.Twitter.com/NatlWOW
    Facebook:     http://www.facebook.com/UniteWomen
    YouTube:        http://www.youtube.com/unitewomen

Enough So We Never Do Anything Anymore

As I'm sure you've probably all heard, the MegaMillions is up to close to a half a billion dollars. Which, in my mind, might as well be a bajillion. It's crazy. And though I know, and it's been hammered into all of our heads, that it's likely a snowball's chance in hell that we'll win, I just thought I should itemize a list of expenditures now.

I'm not talking about things like paying off debt, buying a house, a new car, etc. That stuff will of course be taken care of first. If you win $476,000,000, you could pretty much live on interest alone. Which means you'd have lots of leftover money for fun things. And by "you," I of course mean "Sarah."

1. Interstate Skybucket System.

Oh, I'd much rather take a skybucket almost anywhere I needed to go. There would be stops, different stations. Think of it as a new wave of public transportation. Only by "public," I mean "Sarah."

2. Hire a roving band of Mariachi for a day.

Just think about how much more festive everything would be!

3. Buy one of those double decker tour busses.

And then! I would create my OWN tour. There could be the Tour of Bad Decisions, in which we drive past my ex's house and I point out the hideous things I went through. Heckling would be encouraged, though I would put the kibosh on vandalism. I'm not bitter or anything. Or there could be the Barhopping Tour of the South Bay. Think of how much more fun a pub crawl would be if you had the bus!

4. Eliminate Huell Howser.

Wow, that would be AMAYZING!!!

5. Hire Robert Palmer dancers to follow me around for a day.

Not to coincide with Mariachi Day, naturally.

6. Follow Tom Jones around on tour.

I'm a band-aid. We inspire the music, we ARE the music. It's all happening!

7. Buy an island across from the one Tom Cruise owns. Position cannons.

Who wants to play pirate? Arrrrgh!

8. Rent Disneyland for a day.

I could invite almost everyone I know, and still it would be the least crowded day ever. And I bet they would let me ride Big Thunder twice or more in a row! And churros for all!

9. Create an enormous Bail fund.

Enough said.

10. Call Mitt Romney. Laugh at his financial woes. Ask if his toilet is still running. And if he has Prince Albert in the can.

11. Carry a glass of red wine with me at all times. Swirl it around and act important.

12. Create an evil weather machine.

13. Roll around in money at least once a day. Never tell anyone it's actually just Monopoly money, because real money is filthy.

My Zombpocalypse Soundtrack

Just a silly meme, because it's spring:




1. My theme for the Zombie Apocalypse is: Cupid, by Amy Winehouse.

(You know, that just figures. I'd want something badass, and this would be playing in repeat in my scumbag brain.)

2. First Zombie Kill Song: Love the Way You Lie, Eminem ft. Rihanna.

(Well now this is getting awkward.)

3. Getting Chased by a Horde: B.O.B. by Outkast.

(This is more like it. I really hope I can Parkour.)

4. When I'm Forced to Kill My Loved One: All For You by Sister Hazel.

(Kinky. I like it.)

5. When I Find My New Love Interest: Amazing Grace by the Dropkick Murphies.

(Well okay then!)

6. When I Make My Final Stand: Everybody Get Dangerous by Weezer.

(Yes. And more Yes.)

7. When I Think I Made It Through: Cupid, by Sam Cooke.

(Gah. It's like bookends.)

8. When I Discover A Bite Mark: Joy To The World, Three Dog Night.

(It's a good ending song, but at this point in the film I groan. Why end it that way? Why?? Was it because I like the song Cupid a little too much? Because I can change.)

United Airlines and the Quest for Common Sense

Oh, we had such high hopes for our weekend in Pittsburgh. Such. High. Hopes.

I want to begin this by saying that Erin's wedding was lovely, and so much fun, and once we were IN Pennsylvania all was good. But the trip out there was...

Well, first, my husband and I had our roommate drop us off at the airport at 4:45am or so. For a 6:45am flight. We didn't check a bag, and we were at one of the smaller airports, so security was a breeze (and I really hope the guard likes the way my nekkid skeleton looks. He did give me a thumbs up, so here's hoping, right?). In fact, we were there before TSA set up the security lines!

We finally get to board our plane at 6:30am. Only 15 minutes before the scheduled departure time. We had a little bit of a buffer, though, and we were still flying United from Chicago to Pittsburgh, so we felt...uneasy yet reassured. However, once we were ON the plane, we just sat on the runway. And sat. And sat. Turns out, we were just one of many waiting to take off. We ended up lifting off around 7:20am, and because of "weather complications" were told we would be arriving about 40 minutes late.

We ended up getting into Chicago an hour late. And yes, we had totally missed our connection. But hallelujah, the United people were going to get us onto the next plane for Pittsburgh! Only on standby. Because, you know, it's not their fault or anything that we were late. And the next flights were full! So an entire plane full of connecting passengers made haste to the customer service desk, where many of us spent the time in line (and boy did we spend some time in line!) on our cell phones with United. While my husband was on hold, the ladies in front of us were able to get through and get their flight reserved. I got through and was told we had two spots waiting for us on the 1:55 flight, but we had to hurry.

We hauled ass through the terminal, where they had just shut the doors. There was nothing they could do, and they suggested that we go back to customer service. Bonus: the lady who gave us two spots on the 1:55 flight removed our names from standby, so we now had no flight at all.

So, back to customer service we went. We had been in line for around 20 minutes and moved up a whole ten feet when a customer behind us slipped on a spilled milkshake. The other customers helped him up and started to get him cleaned up while I flagged down a United associate. "This man just slipped and fell in your line!" I said. "Okay." said the helpful employee, who then proceeded to do nothing. While nothing was being done for the injured older gentleman, my fellow passengers and myself tossed paper towels over the spill and the fallen gentleman then moved the line barriers over so no one else would slip as he did.

So, in a case like this, what does United do? Why, they send the escalation manager over to yell at the injured man for moving the line barriers, of course! Because why ask if he was okay or needed medical attention?

I glared at the manager. "I cannot BELIEVE," I growled, "that you do not possess the wherewithal to ask if the gentleman who slipped on a spill in YOUR line that YOU could not be bothered to clean up is okay. Don't you think he may need medical attention?"

The manager slimed into action. "But of course, " he said, suddenly British. "Please, sir, come with me and let's get your medical needs attended to."

The gentleman flushed. "I'm not leaving until I figure out my flight!" He said. "I need to get to Pittsburgh!"

The manager was finally able to convince the gentleman to go with him, but I think it speaks volumes about their customer service that he would rather wait in a ridiculous line clutching his right arm than risk losing his spot.

My husband returned to the line, having had a chat with customer service over the phone again. This time, they were able to get us to Pittsburgh, but our choices were to either fly through Newark, adding another connection and hours onto our travel, or they could get us directly to Pittsburgh the next day. However, they would NOT pay for a hotel, because it was not their fault that we missed our connection. I guess we should have taken jet packs and bailed when it was apparent that we would miss our original connection. You know, because people who are strapped into a jet with no control over when and where it lands are obviously at fault.

Since we were almost to the front of the line, we decided to have our new tickets printed out. The associate at the front of the desk looked at us. "How were you planning on getting to Newark?" She asked.

"We were hoping you'd get us there," I said.

"Well, first you'd need to have a ticket from Chicago to Newark." She explained slowly, chomping on gum.

"You mean they booked our new connection, but didn't connect us to it?" I said.

"Do you want to go from Chicago to Newark?" She asked.

I seethed. "Not really, but I do need to get to Pittsburgh by tonight. Tomorrow is not an option."

They just stared blankly for a second. Then printed my tickets. Then there was a furrowed brow.

"We can find your tickets, but not your husband's." They said. So there was another wait while we waited for them to find the missing tickets. We made a decision that if we couldn't get on this connection, they would be refunding (THEY WOULD BE REFUNDING!!!) our cost for this leg of the trip, we would rent a car, and drive the 6 hours to Pittsburgh.

At this point, we didn't have time to eat. We got to the gate and made our connection into Newark. I would say "thankfully" but I wouldn't mean it.

I would like to take this moment, now, to point out that the butthole of civilization can be found in Newark. There were so many awful people. It really explains everything you may have questioned about the Jersey Shore gang.

We looked for our gate, but we couldn't find it. We asked a lady, and she then let us in on the secret: in order to FIND gate A26, we'd have to be bussed. Through the Newark airport. Once we got off the bus, we went up a series of staircases to another terminal, identical to the one we had been at, and also labeled "A".

We found some seats and waited. Our plane was due to take off at 8:28pm. We waited. and Waited. and Waited some more. Some fine fellow in a sleeveless grey tank top yelled at a flight attendant. I wept into my cheddar whales.

The plane didn't end up taking off until 9:45pm. And do you know why? Because they couldn't find the pilot. Which they announced over the loudspeaker. Couldn't. Find. The. Pilot.

The plane landed around midnight in Pittsburgh. We got in our rental car, exhausted, a full 7 and a half hours after we were supposed to have landed. We entirely missed my good friend's rehearsal dinner.

And the kicker is, at every opportunity, they thanked us for choosing United, because "we KNOW you have other choices in air travel."

Yes, United, we know we have other choices. And from now on, we will choose to use those other choices. Because here are some facts that were brought to our attention by fellow passengers:

1. The small airport we chose has a no-fly zone from 11pm to 7am. Knowing this, why would they then schedule a flight at 6:45am, knowing full well that we wouldn't be taking off until after 7am, once we had waited for all the other planes that were also stuck until 7?

2. And then, knowing all of the above, United STILL scheduled our connection for a time when they knew we wouldn't make it. But, our delay was our own fault. Or so we were told.

They basically set us up for failure. And yes, knowing this, next time we could choose a later flight with a different connection, or a nonstop flight. But the fact is, we won't be choosing United again. Their scheduling sucks, their planes are like flying in a Greyhound bus, their employees are rude or poorly trained to handle customer complaints or problems or issues or WHATEVER, and the fact that I had to yell at the manager for not medically assisting a paying passenger who had slipped in their customer service kiosk? Priceless.

Keep it Classy, United.

Come Fly With Me, Let's Fly, Let's Fly Away!

I'm going on a journey to a far away land. Leaving my sunny, 77 degree weather with clear views of Catalina and my roommate to go to scenic, COLD AS HELL Pittsburgh. Who wouldn't want a piece of this, amirightladies??

Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to go. This is the first time I'll be in the land of Erin, a dear friend of mine that I met online over 10 years ago and who I met for the first time last November, for my wedding. Also, Erin is getting married! So yay for weddings, and yay especially for the wedding of one of my nearest and dearest.

However. I hate to fly. I really, really hate it. I'm not a terrified flyer or anything. I used to fly fairly frequently when I was fulfilling my role as a one woman USO. I'd fly out to wherever the dude was stationed for a visit. I had, under my bathroom sink, a travel bag filled with duplicate products so that I wouldn't have to disrupt mine at home. Packing was easy, I knew the ins and outs of LAX, and I took great pains to take non stop flights.

What I hate the most about flying, I'm afraid, is security. It's never been a comfortable procedure (and rightly so), but I haven't flown since the new scanners and pat down procedures were implemented, and I am anxious. I haven't slept well for the past three nights knowing there is a possibility that I will be felt up by an airport employee, and I don't feel great about that. To say that I'm not touchy-feely is an understatement of epic proportion. I'm not really great with hugging people I know. And then I start to get all paranoid that because I'm worried about it, my behavior will trigger something and I'll be escorted into a back room. I can pretty much guarantee that if that does happen, you will see me on the news.
And I will look something like this.


I guess I'd better shower and shave my legs so I look and smell pretty for the nice agents. But before I go, here's some random useless info about yours truly!

A. Age: 28. I have become alarmingly forgetful when it comes to my own age, and that of those around me. I would say it's because it doesn't matter that much, but probably it's because I'm old now.

B. Bed size: Queen. I would love a California King someday, but until we win the lottery, that's not likely.

C. Chore that you hate: Dishes. I hate those mother effers so much.

D. Dogs: Are cool, if they belong to someone else. I'm a cat person, plus I am allergic to our Canine friends.

E. Essential start to your day: Sadly, Facebook. Gah, I've become a statistic.

F. Favorite color: Green! I look terrible in it, but I love a nice green.

G. Gold or Silver: Silver/White Gold. I just don't love the look of yellow gold on me.

H. Height: It depends on who's measuring. DMV says I'm 5'6" and a half. This chiropractor I went to once said I was 5'5", but looking back, I'm pretty sure they were just trying to sell me services.

I. Instruments you play: Cowbell. Oh, and I went to a drum circle not too long ago and now I'm pretty sure I'm the next Travis Barker.

J. Job title: Currently I am one of the Funemployed. Trying to find work is hard. That is why I must drum.

K. Kids: Not while I'm unemployed, but I would love to have a few one day.

L. Live: Gorgeous Southern California!

M. Mother’s name: Mom. Duh.

N. Nicknames: Rah, or any take on that. Sarahface. Wifey. Piehole.

O. Overnight hospital stays: Hmm. I think maybe never, except when I was born. Then again, I don't remember everything about my head injury from my bike accident, so I'd have to ask my mom.

P. Pet peeves: People who smack their lips when they chew, or to make a point about something tasting good. People who chew with their mouths open. Anything Rachael Ray says (Yum-O! EVOO! Smashed Potatoes! IS THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, RACHAEL???!) I'm also hard of hearing, so I can't stand it when people don't repeat themselves for me. They'll mumble something, and I'll say, "I'm sorry?" and they'll either say "nevermind" or they'll just repeat one word. "The MOVIE." Seriously, dipwad, what about the movie?

Q. Quote from a movie: "It's all happening!"

R. Right- or left-handed: Right handed. Though like a true chubster, I can feed myself left handed if need be.

S. Siblings: God, there are so many of us...

T. Tattoos & Piercings: Ha! Okay, let's start with piercings: one, a curved barbell through my right eyebrow. Now for tattoos:

1. A tiny lavender cancer support ribbon on my left ankle.

2. A celtic trinity on my lower back, right side.
3. A Butterfly on my right shoulder, front.
4. A maiden-mother-crone symbol on my right wrist
5. A pair of dice on my left wrist.
6. An apple with a pencil stabbed through it on my right outer shoulder.
7. A Jack Skellington cupcake on my inner right ankle.
8. Cherry blossoms that cascade over my left shoulder
9. A tiny ice cream cone with a 13 in it that I got with my Aunt for 13 bucks on Friday the 13th.

U. Underwear: Strange category. I think everyone should wear it. I am pro-skivvy.

V. Vegetable(s) you hate: Okra. Yellow squash. Everything else is cool, though, but I am allergic to Jalapeno and Eggplant.

W. What makes you run late: Procrastination. I'll elaborate later.

X. X-Rays you’ve had: Tons and tons! Wrists, ankles, feet, lungs...

Y. Yummy food that you make: I hate to toot my own horn, but toot toot bitches! I rule in the kitchen. Anything I make is good.

Z. Zoo animal: Big cats! Tigers, Panthers, Lions. Kitty kitty kitty kitty!

What Has Piehole Been Up To?

It's been a good while since I've updated this thing. And the entire time, I've been kicking myself to get started. There's no smooth way to say that I'm a major procrastinator who doubts her creative abilities, so I'll just say that I was incredibly busy rocket sciencing, runway modeling, being a professional yodeler, and inventing gourmet recipes for Spam.

Also, I got married and went straight into the holidays. I'll probably do a more involved wedding photo round-up on my anniversary, but for right now, here are some of my favorites, with added commentary of a sarcastic nature (that some of you may have already seen on The Book of Faces):


I would like to start with the fact that men have to do very little work to look good. A haircut, a nice suit or tux, and they all look great. Life is not fair.


Meanwhile, I got poked in the eye. Willingly.

And slapped in the chest. To keep my dress down. And tensions high.


I don't know what I said to Erin, but I feel I should apologize.

The hair and makeup I chose was based on the august Sailor Jerry Calendar Girl. We brought the calendar with us so the hairstylist and makeup artist could use it as a sort of guide. I guess my mom got bored.
We're all laughing at the entrance song, The Imperial March by John Williams. Yes, Vader's theme. Weddings are sacred, ya'll!
We were handfasted, which is an ancient Celtic tradition in which--OMG check out my sparkly blue shoes!!!!!
Check out how much more relaxed I look after the fact. I am really not cut out for proper ceremonies.I love our photographer. Check out that sky! So pretty. And that bouquet weighed ten thousand pounds. I could use it as a weapon when the zombie apocalypse hits.


My favorite of the group pictures. Once you spot my wife, you'll know why.


Our wedding was dinosaur themed, naturally.



That cake was probably the thing I looked forward to the most. I mean, besides marrying my husband, of course. Yep.



Or perhaps it was the SEE'S MOTHEREFFING CANDY BUFFET. Yeah, we had it.
I'm totally thinking of having this done as an oil painting and hanging it up in our living room. I mean come ON.


Oh, we also had an ice cream sundae bar. Because we're pimps.



This may be my favorite picture of my roommates ever. There they are in the center, flanked by the two groomsmen. They were practically falling over at this point due to the fact that Skyrim came out at midnight, and they hadn't been to sleep in almost 24 hours. This one definitely goes on the Wall of Shame in our hallway.

Also in the running for our Wall of Shame? This picture of us dancing to Jump Around by House of Pain. God, we thought we looked good. Someone needs to tell white people to stop drunkenly dancing with one arm up in the air, because we totally look like we're heiling hitler.

So yeah, these are just a few of my favorites. You can tell I really love candid shots the best. Plus, our photographer was awesome. She was one of the sweetest people I've ever met, and she got some really great images.

Also, my husband and I produce a web series now. Ch-Ch-Check it out! (I promise it's not spam. Though it is meat related.)

http://youtu.be/tCoVczQTPyA

I know I've said it before, but I want to start updating a little more often here. So keep your eyes peeled for more!