Monday, December 20, 2010

Holiday Greetings

Dear Santa,

I have been as good as can reasonably be expected under the circumstances afforded to me. The fact that I haven't killed anyone yet this year should be noted, as well as the fact that I have donated to every gosh darned salvation army bucket I have come across (even the one I walked into).

Santa, as I'm sure you're aware, the economy sucks. I wish I could sugarcoat it for you, big guy, but you and I both know that a spoonful of sugar doesn't help much with that bitter pill. So, I'm only going to ask for a few reasonable things.

1. A Pony.

I've asked for one every year since I was 3, and nothing. It's getting a bit old, Santa, that you refuse to acquiesce to my demands. Besides, I would name him Tony, so that his name rhymes with what he is.

2. A job.

(Image courtesy
I know I'm good at what I do, but please. I just want a real person job with benefits. I really miss going to the doctor, and I don't want to have to wait until after I'm married to do this. Do you know how hard it is to sit in the lobby of the free clinic for 5 hours on a Wednesday, Santa? Do you?? I really don't think you do, because then you'd know that even with an appointment, you're not going in anywhere near your scheduled time. Unless you show up late, then they called you at your precise appointment time. Also, they won't change the channel away from MTV, and I really really really don't care who America's Next Best Dance Crew is. They all suck. Plus, I'm tired of being hit on by guys who are there to get a herpes medication refill.

3. For the Government to Pull Their Heads Out of Their Arses.

If I hear the word "fillibuster" ONE MORE TIME. Plus, they totally "booed" when they were told they'd have to work this week. Oh, boo hoo! They, like so many other Americans, are being asked to do their job. To finish what they started. To make a frickin' decision. There are tons of unemployed Americans who would be thrilled to do the job for a week, to make a little money for the holidays. Also, they keep voting down important issues just to prove a point to each other. I think the point they're trying to prove is "I'm a bigger, more stubborn idiot than you are!" Seriously, they're voting down the decision to give the 9/11 first responders and volunteers health care coverage? Are they out of their minds? These are the guys who came to help and stayed until the job was done. They continue to do their jobs. And the congress is treating them as if they were nuisances. One would think, Santa, and I'm sure you agree, that now is the time when they should be proving to the American people that they deserve to keep their jobs.

4. Johnny Depp. Enough said.

5. If you could bring back that "all berries Cap'n Crunch" cereal, that would be great.

It's delicious, and a part of a complete breakfast.

I'd like to wish each and every one of my blog readers a Happy Enough HoliDon't. I'll end with the best christmas quote I know:

"Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse. " - Clark Griswold, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation


  1. through science and by wearing a lab coat, I've created a combination of three of your wishes. it's a Johnny Depp/pony centaur made of crunchberries.

  2. i don't know how many more times i have to tell you not to wear a damn labcoat.

  3. what about a BLAB COAT? made of POBLANO peppers?

    also, Venture Brothers.

  4. there will be no amazing technicolor dream labcoat, joseph. and stop saying poblano. and the venture brothers can go bone a goat.

  5. Ah, Miss Sarah, you always make me chuckle. Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Blessed Kwanza, and happy Yuletide, Soltice cheer to you!!