Royal Wedding Watch

The following is an actual transcription of a conversation that took place last night:

Me: *sigh*

Matt: What's wrong?

Me: it's just...our wedding's going to suck.

Matt: What makes you say that?

Me: okay, well, you know how i've been stoked about the royal wedding? and how i've been watching all the shows leading up to it?

Matt: yeah...

Me: well, they're going to have, like, 3 receptions! one with thousands of canapes and champagne! i LOVE canapes and champagne!

Matt: i hate champagne. what's a canape?

Me: it's not all about you. so anyway, the second reception is this HUGE banquet! and the third is a disco!

Matt: what, is this 1973?

Me: *glares* we're only having ONE reception. and you know what the kicker to this all is?

Matt: i honestly have no idea.

Me: she gets a TIARA. a TIARA! like, apparently the queen just has this huge collection of tiara's just kicking around in her queen-vault, next to the stone of scone and stuff, and if she likes you she lets you choose. if she doesn't like you, she gives you one. she gave diana one, but diana spurned her to wear the spencer tiara. but fergie! fergie didn't get any of the crown jewels! the queen bought hers new!

Matt: i think the stone of scone is in king edward's chair, not in the queen's vault...

Me: matthew. focus. anyway, kate's probably going to be able to choose a tiara. which is what brings me to my next point.

Matt: my head hurts.

Me: let's say i marry prince harry, which is totally plausible since we're the same age and i'm a nice lady -

Matt: *snicker*

Me: i COULDN'T wear a tiara because my head is too big! i'd have to ghetto rig it with dental floss!

Matt: *clutches his stomach in laughter*

Me: *sigh* all the bad things happen to me.

Matt: but the important thing is that even though ours isn't the royal wedding, theirs won't
feature dinosaurs!

Me: *stares blankly*

Matt: ...except for the older royals?

Me: WHO HAS A DENTAL FLOSS TIARA?? being royal is going to be such a pain in the butt.

Matt: you can't marry harry. you're marrying me.

Me: well i KNOW that. for now. but later on, after i've married you and we've divorced and i've accumulated hollywood money, i'll be just like grace kelly.

Matt: *incredulous* HOW will you be like grace kelly?

Me: because i'll be the hollywood princess who is pretty who marries into the monarchy!

Matt: i'm going to bed.