How To Make Spaghetti Sauce: A Simple Guide

this morning i really wanted spaghetti, but we were out of sauce. still, it couldn't be that hard to make some, right? so after some delicious internet trolling, i decided that it was so simple, even a sarah could do it...and you can too!

Step One:
Take out a saute pan. Set the flame on medium.

Step Two:
Open up a can of diced tomatoes. Dump them into the saute pan. Stare as though you expect them to do something.

Step Three:
Poke at them with a wooden spoon. Decide to add a can of tomato paste. Climb up on the counter to dig through the back of your cupboard. Locate can and add.

Step Four:
This is looking better. Stir everything around. Taste it. Mmmm, tomatoey. Wait. Taste again. Holy Crap. This is too tomatoey.

Step Five:
Add olive oil and salt and pepper to taste. Pretty good, but it still pretty much tastes like tomatoes with olive oil, salt, and pepper. Liberally shake in some italian seasoning. Stir everything and turn down the heat.

Step Six:
Fetch the jar of crushed garlic from the fridge. Try to open it. Try, Try, Try desperately to open it. Plead with it. Hold the jar under hot water, understanding that it will do nothing. Try to open the jar again. Note that it does nothing. You should have expected as much.

Step Seven:
Look around desperately for a man. Decide that the guy across the street tenting your neighbor's house looks beefy. Put on actual pants instead of the cute, bright red, martini glass covered PJ's you've been rocking all morning.

Step Eight:
Ambush the exterminator. When he can't open the jar, feign understanding. Think bad thoughts of him all the way back into the house. Locate can opener.

Step Nine:
Stab the jar lid dramatically with the pointy end of the can opener. Figure out how to keep the garlic in the fridge later, for now, add a heaping tablespoonful of garlic to the sauce, which is now hotter than satan's armpit. Stir. Taste.

Step Ten:
Suck on ice to soothe the burn on your tongue. Curse the gods of fire. Decide that what this sauce needs is wine. Pick something very special, like Chateau de This Is What I Have Open In My Fridge. Add some wine. Take a swig yourself, for the homies (because pouring it out is just wasting booze.)

Step Eleven:
Recall that this wine tastes great with chocolate. Open up a fun sized baby ruth bar. Proceed to enjoy it with another swig of wine. Boy howdy, cooking is fun!

Step Twelve:
Taste the sauce. Doctor with more spices to taste. Let the sauce simmer. Meanwhile, make pasta and drink more wine.

Step Thirteen:
This is optional, but as I was making the sauce, I noticed that most of the neighborhood men had gathered to watch the neighbors' houses being tented. I don't know what they planned to accomplish with their supervision, as I'm pretty sure none of them have ever personally tented a house. Anyway, it's always fun to appear at their side without them knowing it. They're always caught off guard, plus, it gives you something to do while the sauce simmers.