Winston and Me

i live on a relatively quiet block, with relatively quiet neighbors. we all look out for one another, and we all smile when we pass each other on the street. we all sort of know one another's business, and we definitely take note when something is out of place. after the last big earthquake, my dad went and knocked on the doors of our neighbors, asking if they needed help. rare, in my little suburban LA area. yes, it really is a quintessential quiet small town neighborhood....except, that is, for winston.

"who is winston?" you might be asking. "is he a new annoying neighbor?" well, in a sense, yes he is! winston is the world's fattest, most annoying chihuahua and he lives in the house behind mine. the problem is that half the time, winston is left to roam free. and winston is DECEPTIVELY EVIL.

below is a picture of a similar chihuahua that i have helpfully added distinguishing characteristics to in order to make it look more like winston. these include his black spots, horns, and pitchfork. oh, and a nice little hitler 'stache.

say hello to the bane of my existence, won't you?

you see, pictures don't lie. and as you can tell from this completely honest depiction, winston barks. continually. for hours at a time. all in the same tone. over. and. over. again.

me: SHUT UP, WINSTON!

winston: woof! woof! woof! woof! woof! woof! woof! wooof!

translation: HA HA HA I WILL NEVER LET YOU SLEEP NOT IN A MILLION YEARS I DO NOT EVEN CARE IF YOU ARE DYING HA HA HA HA I AM EVIL DOG HA HA HA HA HAVE YOU SEEN MY LAST TWINKIE

as if that wasn't bad enough, winston LOVES to look at your car. he looks at your car very closely. especially when you are trying to back out of the driveway.

you get in the car. start it up. notice the nfl football sized chihuahua in the rearview mirror. you edge slightly backward. no winston. you get out, and ask him nicely to move.

me: winston, time to go home now!

winston: WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! (translation: hell no.)

me: thank you winston, i'm sure you would have been a great drug sniffing dog, but if you could just MOVE

winston: WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! (translation: feed me or i'm staying!)

me: winston you little beefy asshole! move or die!

winston: WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! (translation: suck it.)

so you end up just maneuvering around this gluttonous lump on legs with a napoleon complex, only to have him calmly walk to the side as soon as you are clear.

what. a. douche.

now, i don't want to come across as a mean, vile, animal hating person. i desperately try to adopt any stray critter that comes my way, much to the chagrin of my friends and family. and i've tried to love winston, i really have.

except that he's a douchey dog.

so, i have only one option.

deportation.

so long, suckaduck!