Friday, June 25, 2010

A Facebook Fantasy

okay, facebook. listen.

i like you. i more than like you. i less than three you.


it's just creepy! it's not like you recommend people that i actually know and love. no no. you recommend people that i sometimes don't even know exist! and would never need to! or people that i know exist, but i stay far, far away from!

but let's just pretend, facebook, that you're being helpful.

let's just say that, okay, in this dreamland we will call "facebookflufffluffcottoncandyville", i friend request them and they say okay. here is how my first post on their wall would go:

hello, friend from kindergarten! long time no see! do you still eat paste? boogers? how 'bout paper? remember when you skinned your knee? yeah, those were awesome times. i bet not much has changed!

hello, stalker ex boyfriend! long time no see! ah, who am i kidding?! you were tapping on my window a couple of weeks ago! is it cold in the bushes? do you ever get bored and think of maybe getting a hobby, or a new girlfriend? better're about to call my cell phone 19 times in a row. it IS 3am, after all!

hello, psycho bitch from high school who made my life a living hell! how's it going? i'll bet you're on your 13th drink of the night. i don't know which was funnier, spreading the rumor that i lost my virginity in history class during second period, or the time you stole the candy bars i was selling for drill team, just to get a laugh! oh, how i chuckled! but don't worry, water under the bridge. nice kids, btw. do they all have the same dad?

hello, guy i went on three dates with and hooked up with a couple times! nice to see you? still have that suspicious looking mole on your neck that needs to be checked out? how' never met your family, so you have a family? are they well? still kickin'?

really facebook, do you want the chaos that would ensue here?

i didn't think so.

now go shut your bitch ass face.


  1. Am I the friend from kindergarten?

  2. no, it's an imaginary scenario.

  3. Imaginary scenario? Stealing drill team candy bars??? REALLY? lol

    Damn those toffee bars were the business!

  4. yeah. the candy bars that were stolen, come to think of it, were those awful world's finest ones that we had to sell to "redo the auditorium". and by "redo the auditorium", narbonne meant "buy a scrolling light up marquee!!!!!" LOL.

    those toffee bars were AMAZING.